


The Trials and Tribulations of Wooing an Egbert

by sailorSenefi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Attempts at Wooing, Courtship Shenanigans, F/M, Fem!John - Freeform, Fluff, Gen, Genderbending, Typical Egbert Obliviousness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-12
Updated: 2012-04-04
Packaged: 2017-10-31 01:14:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/338284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailorSenefi/pseuds/sailorSenefi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Started writing this on the Kink Meme, originally found here: http://homesmut.livejournal.com/15023.html?thread=28667823#t28667823</p>
<p>Dave loves the youngest Egbert.  Unfortunately for him, she has never been overly impressed with his coolkid antics.  Fortunately, he has plenty of friends to support his cause.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This does contain a Fem!John, as warned above. If that's not your thing, go check out the hot yaois by much finer authors that are just everywhere on this wonderful site, please and thank you!

There was something about J- wait, no, that's a stupid way to start a thought, what were you, some sort of thirty year old loser living in his parents' basement with nothing better to do then spend the entirety of his miserable life watching shitty 90's romcoms, and feels the need to compare everything that ever happens to one of said shitty movies? No. Hell fucking no. You're Dave Strider, reigning King of Cool, Master of Metaphors, the official Buster of Sweet Moves, the Samurai of Stoicism.

And yet... there really always had been something about Jean Egbert, something that threw him off kilter, off his game, for the proverbial loop. Something that turned off his brain, letting his mouth run free to say the stupidest of things without his permission, spewing rambles that he would try to pass of as the irony that his revered Bro tried to teach him- and had repeatedly thrown various objects at the back of his head when he saw his protege hiding behind it instead of “mannin' up an' actin' like a damned gentleman” like he'd been raised.

And Jesus, he'd had it bad before the damned game started, when he'd only seen a grainy, shitty half photo of her- not even complimentary, and she was purposely making a derp face, which should not have been as strangely endearing as it was-, the Shade's she'd gone through so much trouble to get for him- also endearing, despite the fact that she'd pointed out multiple times that getting them was nothing but a really expensive way to poke fun of him. 

Then there was the game, that stupid thing he hadn't even really wanted to play in the first place, but whatever, it ended up basically saving his skinny ass, in the long run, so that was alright. But he'd been looking forward to actually being able to hang out with Jean, at some point, work on impressing her face to face the way he never could with red text. He couldn't even get that. Nope, he could go and meet up with Rose- sort of, it was their dreamselves, but it counted- and Jade, who was so much like Jean, so much in so many little ways, but just... wasn't her.

The only time he got to see her was the brief moment of time when she was chucking a bucket straight at Karkat's face. Quite a sight that was, though, with her wild, shoulder length hair flying around her cherubic face with the force of her throw, not to mention that ridiculously long wind sock. Rest of the outfit wasn't bad, though, the blue tunic that went a little lower then mid-thigh, belted around her hips, tight blue leggings, and knee length yellow boots. Alright, so, he would have moved the belt and cinched it at her waist, because where she had it made her torso look over long, and with the shade of yellow that the boots were, they looked more like rain boots, and he _definitely_ would have left leggings out of the equation, but it wasn't his outfit, and he was sure that she had as little choice in it as he did his own. He knows this, because he knows Jean well enough to know that if she was allowed to pick her god tier outfit, it would have a beagle puss disguise on it somewhere.

It was, of course, Dave's 'good luck' that at the very moment he let his cool down for a second to put his face in his palms, trying to figure out just what was wrong with his brain that it would think that any woman, let alone his best friend/long time rival of sorts would look cute in that stupid, stupid excuse for a disguise, that Rose would show up, and pat his shoulder in a way that he wasn't _exactly_ sure that she meant it to be as patronizing as it was.

“No need to be nervous, Brother-dear. Once you lay on the infamous Strider charm upon Jean, she will no doubt happily acquiesce to a more intimate relationship between the two of you.”

Dave slanted her a look, unamused. He wondered if there would ever come a time when he wouldn't regret letting his Ecto-sibling break him down enough to confess his almost obsession with the Heir of Breath, with his wanting to one up, surpass her, to gain her respect. To have her look up to him as her protector, her knight in a plush suit. To have her occasionally agree that he's pretty damn cool. Not all the time; there was something liberating about having someone tell him baldly that he's being an idiot, but, you know, every once in a while, if she could maybe given him a smile and a nod. Maybe even say she's attracted to him without adding a jk at the end, that would be pretty sweet.

“Ah'm not worried 'bout gettin' her inta a relationship, or anythin'. Ain't no woman alive that'll turn me down once Ah set my eyes on 'em,” he said confidently, knowing that it was a lie, and he was worried, knowing Rose would know that it was a lie, because his accent just got way too strong, the way it always did when he was stressing and/or worried, or really any number of reasons that he didn't want to admit to because he liked to pretend he had complete control over his own voice. “Ah'm jus' tryin' ta figure out ifin Ah had some sorta brain damage as a child, that Ah'm interested in the firs' place.”

Rose smiled, and it was that half teasing one that Dave couldn't help but admire and despise, all at the same time. “You have grown into a fine young man, brain damage aside. When we land, and meet back up, I'm sure that you shall find yourself in a very torrid romance. Which is actually partially why I have sought you out. We'll be landing in three hours.”

“Tch. Ah know.” Another lie, as it had been one of the rare times when he'd been so distracted, he hadn't been paying attention to his inner clock, and had forgotten. “Don'tcha got some Seer shit ta do, that doesn' involve ya bein' in mah hair?”

Rose's grin turned exceedingly smirky and knowing, but she conceded, leaving Dave to his own devices.

Devices that required him rushing around the space he'd claimed as his own, working on fixing his hair, and that he looked as pristine as possible, which he only had _three hours_ to get ready, and that was not enough time to make the best first impression that he was ever going to need to make!


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey! Chicken Butt! I know you only have one wing, but come on, man! You can fly faster then that!” Jean lazily circled in the air, letting the currents push her where they would, grinning innocently at the bright orange sprite she was teasing, waiting for him to catch up with her.

“We agreed we weren't gonna be racing all over the place,” Davesprite pointed out, continuing to meander behind, watching the landscape of the LOWAS below him, Jean's ass, some oil puddle lake thing below them, just taking in the whole sight, really. “Going for a leisurely stroll, and all that jazz.”

Jean rolled that thought around in her head. Okay, yeah, she actually had said that, and that had been the plan. After all, everyone was going to meet up again, and soon, and Jean wasn't sure when she'd be able to actually see her land again. It was a bittersweet thought, this dark land, where so much trouble had happened, and yet where so many good memories were made. She felt rather responsible for it, along with her consorts. Adorable, simple little creatures who never meant any harm to anyone, living in a quiet land, minding their own business. A place, a people- of a kind- to call her own- in a fashion. Still, though...

“Well, yeah, but come on! You're a ghost bird dude, I'm a god, and neither of us have to fly around like we're fanciful little butterflies, fluttering here and there.” Jean demonstrated, holding her hands on either side of her face, flapping them delicately, manipulating the wind to drop her up and down and back up again- which was surprisingly difficult to do, going against the natural current. Sure, Jean was _able_ to control bits and pieces of the wind, but it was mostly a wild, rather chaotic force, and it was much simpler to just be passive with it, go with it's flow unless otherwise necessary.

Davesprite snorted, making his way over to Jean, pulling down his shades just enough to give her a way too obvious once over. “Have I told you recently that you do the best imitation of a moron I have ever seen. Hell, if I didn't know better, I'd say that you were, in point of fact, an imbecile.”

Jean didn't even stop to consider the fact that she might want to be insulted by that. For one thing, sprite or not, Davesprite was still, well, Dave! And Dave had been throwing friendly barbs her way since their very first conversation. Actually, it was really kind of fun, and she always gave back as good as she got!

She giggled, dropping her hands to do a tight spiral, until she was gazing upside down at the sprite, grinning toothily. “I thought that's how you like your chicks, all breasts and no brains~?” She wrapped her arms under her own breasts, pushing them up, making them even more obvious then they already were. Even Jean, who really didn't pay attention to such things, had to admit that they were... impressive, was a word. _Big honkin' massive tits_ was Jade's favorite way of describing them.

“Don't test me, woman.” A playful sentence for the situation. A warning for the future. He was still a Dave, and he still had feelings for Jean, he couldn't imagine ever _not_ having them. However, he was also a sprite, a construct of the game, and he was able to enjoy a friendship- a _close_ friendship, but nothing more than that. _Alpha Dave_ , though... Well, he was a completely different story, and there would be only so many teasing, and blatantly sexual, remarks that she could make before he'd either wuss out completely, or end up humping her against the nearest wall. Honestly, Davesprite thought that both would be pretty funny, but he'd rather see it happen after they were in a strong enough relationship to not crumble apart. Because, Jesus Dick, he did not want to see himself pout and sulk like a bitch.

To take his mind off of what could quite possible be the most pitiful sight in any and all paradox universes, he floated straight underneath her, using his tail in her face- which she promptly started swatting at, just as he knew she would- to distract her from his real goal, which was grabbing her unnecessarily long hood and giving it a strong tug, knocking her off balance.

Her arms swung out, pinwheeling them, though not to regain her balance. Oh, no. Maybe she would have done that when she was, say, thirteen. But Jean was old and experienced enough to recall that she had control over the wind, and would not tumble and fall. No, no, no. Her wild arm swinging was merely for the small hope that her flailing would manage to actually hit Davesprite, and she would have an excuse/cover for it.

The sprite had fallen for it, once of twice before, and so he was wary of the Heir's tricks. And when he was wary, he didn't get hit. Well, unless Jean and Jade got together and cheated with a bunch of godly powers bullshit. But Jade wasn't there, and there were no powers being used, so he easily dodged all of her pathetic excuse for attacks. When he came back up, Jean was pouting. But that was okay, because that was adorable. “DS, you're no fun at all. You're a stick in the mud. You're-”

He rolled his eyes, and grabbed her hands, pulling her towards him when he felt a slight shift of power in the air, a sure sign that Jade was about to dump their asses out of LOWAS and onto the cold floor of the ship. “Time's up. Let's go, Heiress.”

“Heir!” Jean defended, as she felt the sprite's arms wrap around her waist, pulling her flush against him, though she relaxed against him immediately. She'd always found it strange, how cuddly Davesprite was, and how often she'd end up like this with him, but he was warm and soft and, yeah, okay, he was pretty handsome. She'd never admit that out loud, though, probably. His ego was big enough on it's own. “If Rose doesn't have to be the Seeress, then I don't have to be the Heires-oof!”

Davesprite had turned them, just in time, so that Jean ended up landing on top of him, instead of on the hard floor, but she still managed to be surprised by it. He just wrapped his arms tighter around her waist, and 'playfully' leered at her. “Hi there. Come here often?” He rolled his nonexistent hips up against her, just to make sure she got the innuendo, and was rewarded with an unimpressed, yet blushing face.

“In your dreams,” she said evenly, before papping his cheek, and pushing up onto her feet, which he allowed with a smirk, before turning to Jade, who just appeared to be amused by everything. “Almost there, then?”

“Yes! In approximately half an hour, The Asteroid will fly by close enough to the ship to bring everyone aboard, and then we'll circle the Earth, at a safe distance, until The Game begins. At which point, we'll join in, and beat it, once and for all!” Jade was practically vibrating with excitement and anticipation, and Jean could easily see her tail swishing back and forth beneath her skirt.

“Well then, let's get all these happy butt wiggles out of your system before we all get together,” she said, and started to shake her hips, knowing that Jade was helpless to keep from following along with her. Davesprite just put his hands behind his head, and enjoyed the show. Jean was surprisingly good at shimmying, and it was a beautiful sight, watching her wiggle back and forth. Oh, yeah. Dave was going to love it when he got the chance to see it.

Jade laughed, and tried to glare down at the shorter, though much curvier girl, but felt her tail wagging fast enough to move her own hips with it's movement, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. “Hey, Fuckass, you know what? You're a fuckass,” she snickered out, and Jean grinned brightly back.

“And you're my little bitchy-boo,” Jean cooed back, reaching up, up, up to scratch lightly behind Jade's ear, making her foot start to tap and a happy little grumbling noise work it's way up her throat.

Yeah. There was going to end up being all sorts of dramas unfolding on the boat for the next who knows how long until The Game officially starts in this universe, and Davesprite was going to love every second of it, he was sure.


	3. Chapter 3

Shrinking was not the most pleasant feeling Dave had ever experienced, and through the the day that lasted literally lifetimes for him, he'd experienced a number of rather not pleasant feelings. Still, when it was Jade doing the shrinking, which was in fact a move that was going to end up saving all of their lives- and oh, what he wouldn't give to be able to see that fucking Dog Bastard's face when he realized he lost the trail of a fucking ASTEROID- he felt safe enough. Uncomfortable, but safe.

“My skin feels too fucking tight,” Karkat grumbled, rubbing his arms, and while Dave could sympathize, he didn't think it was necessary for the shortest of Trolls to be bitching about it. They were all feeling the same thing, and complaining wasn't going to make it any better. He watched as Terezi grimaced, reaching out and grabbing the Red Blood's elbow, and Gamzee placed an overly large hand on his head.

“'S'alright, motherFuckin' best Friend,” he rasped in his mostly soft voice, the one that they'd all learned was the juggalo's own version of a soothing moirail-ish tone. “Don't worry yourself over Nothin'. Soon 'nuff we're all gonna be safe and Sound.” The Capricorn didn't particularly look like he believed that himself, but he put in the effort to calm down his over excitable moirail, and Dave supposed that's pretty much all that mattered.

Then there was a sudden darkening around them all, and, looking up, was a scene out of an old, cheesy science fiction movie. All that could be seen was a giant, smiling Jade, complete with-

“Holy fuck, Jean wasn't kidding. She's seriously an inu no shoujo.”

Rose smirked a little, and he was given a few weird looks from Kanaya and Karkat, who had no idea what the fuck he was talking about, before a soft breeze surrounded the group, which was a little shocking, considering that they hadn't felt a real breeze for at least three years.

“No shit, I wasn't kidding. Seriously, Strider, when do _I_ ever kid around? Hehehe!”

Dave had never been happier to be wearing sunglasses, and though he'd grown into them a little, and they didn't hide as much as when he was thirteen, but they were more than enough to hide his eyes going wide in surprise. He should not be that affected by simply hearing her voice, a little bit higher in pitch then the last time he'd heard it, surprisingly more melodic and a lot less whiny then he would have thought, even as besotted as he was.

“Jean Human! Quit fucking around and tell Jade to hurry up! This isn't comfortable and I don't particularly enjoy looking at a giant version of her stupid face!”

There was a brief pause, and then an overlong sigh raced across all of them, fluttering clothing and feeling far too much like a caress for Dave's liking- that was a lie, it felt really good, he just didn't want it feeling good on everyone else, fucking sue him.

“Karkat Troll Alien MacGrumpyFace, you don't want me telling Jade that. That will have many loud expletives thrown your way which- trust me- you don't want her doing when you're that small, it feels like an honest to God level ten or whatever Earthquake, and the added benefit that she'll keep you tiny, longer. So, I'm gonna tell her that you politely asked that she hurry the fuck up because your delicate sensibilities are upset.”

“Jean, dear, it is rather imperative that we regain our normal size in a somewhat timely manner, as there are matters that I wish to discuss with Jade.” Rose didn't raise her voice, sounding as crisp and mannerly as ever, which didn't surprise Dave too much. Ever since she reached God Tier, there were few things that managed to crack her composure anymore. 

There was a moment of hesitation, before Jean spoke again, sounding a bit contrite. “Sorry, Rose. You'll all be out in a jiffy!”

Dave's jaw didn't clench, and he wasn't at all jealous that Jean seemed to think so highly of his ectosister. Nope, that wasn't a thing. He totally wasn't still steaming over the fact that Rose had gotten Jean's first kiss, either, especially when it was just a corpse smooch. Just a corpse smooch, didn't mean a damn thing. Not a single. Damn. Thing.

Fuck his life.

He didn't have long to contemplate that, though, since there was a sudden, also unnerving feeling of being drawn through space- similar to stepping on the transportalizers, but just enough different to make his stomach flop in protest- and then they were growing, and fuck if that didn't make him feel tingly and awkward in a really not fun at fucking all way.

Totally worth it though, because holy fuck, there she was. Standing, right there, next to Jade, all short and plump, goddamn funsized for your convenience. He had to actively fight your body to stop your jaw from dropping and from drooling like a complete creeper. She still hadn't fixed the belt problem, and it threw her proportions off a bit, and yet she still managed to be the most delicious thing that he'd ever seen in your entire life.

She was looking at you all, grinning widely, eyes so bright and blue and amazing and he could just- but then her smile dropped, completely, and her brows lowered, and the next pass her eyes made, he could see that she was counting. And coming up short.

His palms grew damp, and all the uncomfortable feelings that growing and shrinking had given him were suddenly nothing in the face of the fact that fuck, no one had told her yet. Why had no one told her yet?

“...Vriska?” she asked softly, though with a resigned tone that was sometimes a million times more heart breaking then if she'd been hopeful.


	4. Chapter 4

Well. That explained those looks Davesprite and Jade gave her whenever she brought Vriska up in a conversation.

A part of her wasn't surprised. Because, seriously, it was kind of obvious. How she'd just get those tight smiles from Jade and nothing else. How, that last time she'd talked to Karkat, he'd said shit was going down and wouldn't tell her. Everyone else who'd she'd gotten close to, had loved, had been friends with had died. So why not Vriska? 

...They weren't even really close, they'd only known each other for a couple of hours, maybe at most? Certainly not enough time to create a long, standing sort of friendship.

Jean just wanted to thank her for helping her out, for helping her reach godtier, for offering her support and advice. Was that too much to ask?

Apparently. Like it was apparently too much to expect that her friends would have told her in the very beginning of the fucking trip that she was dead and that she shouldn't get her hopes up about being able to actually do a simple thing like thank her.

She could taste the sudden tension on the air, making it heavy and sour, and she just wanted to leave, run away and have a moment to herself to cry about how just _unfair_ everything was.

Couldn't do that, though. She was Friendleader, for whatever that was worth, and she was a big damn girl, who had responsibilities to see to. Even if that just meant she had to sit around and listen to everyone else make plans that she couldn't attribute to, because that wasn't her expertise. Her job was to just do whatever someone else tells her to do, and give everyone a derpy smile and tell them how awesome they all were and how they were totally going to win!

Hah. Friendleader. More like Mascot. The team pet.

She shook her head, trying to rid herself of those thoughts. Those were meant to be had in privacy, where no one could read any emotions off her face. If her job was to keep moral up, then that's what she would do. No matter what it cost her. It was all she had left.

She gave a small, lopsided grin, and waved behind her. “'S'okay. Gotta work on the present, now. Rose, you said we all had things to discuss? Let's go, then. Captain's quarters should work, right? That should be suitably businessy, yeah?” Fuck business. She hated business. They could handle it on their own, couldn't they?

Rose only hesitated for a moment before nodding, agreeing. “That would be exceedingly suitable.” Her tone was that soft kind that you use when you're afraid of breaking someone, and Jean had to fight the urge to grind her teeth. She didn't want to be babied, or pitied, or whatever. Or maybe she did? Hell if she knew. This was why she hated emotions. They were stupid.

She decided at that moment, that if there was such a thing as reincarnation, her next form would be one that only felt one emotion. That being a bucket that only felt a sadistic satisfaction as it fell ontop of unsuspecting trolls' heads and caused them emotional distress. That would be one hell of a good life. What the fuck even was with trolls and their phobias of cleaning supplies?

Jean turned on her heels with a breezy wave of her hand, an invitation to follow. Which they did. At a respectable distance. Probably because Jade and Davesprite flanked her in such a way to keep the others away, instinctively trying to protect her. A really sweet gesture that just added salt to the wound.

When they made it into the spacious room, everyone spread out, Rose and Jade taking the two oversized chairs- Kanaya perching on the edge of Rose's seat- Terezi next to Karkat, who was standing beside Gamzee who ended up just lounging on the floor, and Jean, leaning against the opposite wall, surrounded by Striders. Which might have been endearing at their attempt of protectiveness, except Dave was leaning a bit too close, too close to offering to do something like take her hand and give it a supportive squeeze.

“ _Don't touch me,_ ” she breathed, careful to make sure that Dave was the only one who heard her, not wanting to interrupt whatever planning was going on that she wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to. She didn't want to be a bitch about it, even though she probably was. It was just, if he touched her, she was going to loose control of herself, and break down.

And she just couldn't afford to do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops. Got a little bit angsty there. The whole story won't be like that, don't worry!


End file.
